I'm back!

I'm back!

After my unplanned hiatus, I'm here again expressing whatever thoughts that cross my demented mind.

I have been planning to write again since writing is my way of destressing, but I never got to sit down and do the usual stuff that I so love to do.

Then I found an inspiration.

And now I'm back! =)

A Divine intervention or just a mere concidence?

It happened again!

Whenever I make a step in applying for a job through the net, either my mom gets sick, or I get sick.

I have been a stay home mom for almost nine months already. Although I enjoy every moment of it, I feel restless sometimes. I was used to managing a number of people, setting targets and achieving them. For eight years I was subjected to a challenging job, then it all stopped when I resigned. I thirst for knowledge and learning. Not that I do not find new learnings from the everyday experience with my daughter, but I think I need more. So I decided to try my luck again.

But a day after I made that step, my mom was rushed to the hospital. The doctor ordered a CT scan to check her brain because she seemed to have lost motor skills for a very short period of time. That night, I didn't sleep at all. Luckily, the result was negative. thank GOD!

This is not the first time it happened. And I no longer think it is just a coincidence.

I am an only child and my mom is 69 years old. I should be taking good care of her. I believe someone is telling me to do that through these incidents.

Divine intervention or not, I really shoud be doing that.

Happy Seventh Anniversary!

Today marks our 7th year of marriage. Just like any other couple, ours was not pure bliss. We went through a lot. We experienced disappointments and failures and we almost gave up on each other. But we managed to overcome the numerous trials that came across our path. We simply refused to give up on our promise of forever.

" I looked for love for so long, and when I had
finally given up, you came into my life.
It's as if I have to meet a few wrong people
in order to find and appreciate the
right one. I thank God for bringing you into
my life, 'cause in you, I find happiness
and completeness"

Seven years is not a monumental achievement to a lot of people, but in this age, where falling in and out of love is so fast paced, it is one of OUR greatest achievement.

Blog Your Blessings Sunday: Top of her class

Andrea is Mary help of Christians Learning Center Grade 1 class First Honors. She was also awarded Best in English, Best in Filipino, Best in Science, Best in Sibika, Best in Religion and Most Disciplined. I am so proud of her. But the award I treasure the most is the Most Disciplined award. It says a lot about her character, and in a way, shows how I and my husband nurtured our daughter. Too bad, dad wasn't around to assist me in pinning the medals and ribbons to our little girl.

And worst, her pictures while she was being awarded were corrupted when I tried editing it. But this misfortune couldn't dampen my spirit, I am blessed to have a beautiful, intelligent, responsible and God fearing daughter.

Cusina Ni Tiya (Auntie's kitchen) is now open for business

After five months of dreaming, conceptualizing and budgeting, my little dream is finally turning into a reality. Cusina Ni Tiya had it's soft opening yesterday. I was dead tired when I got home last night that even if I wanted to write how I felt on our first day, I fell asleep after I said goodnight to my little girl.

I was having second thoughts about pushing through with opening a small canteen. I doubted my capability, and I still doubt it now. I am so afraid to fail. Actually, I don't want to fail. Partly because I don't want others to look down on me, but the biggest reason why i don't want to fail, is because if I fail, I would think low about myself again. My greatest critic is also myself.

Initially, I was supposed to open last December 2007. But I was so busy procrastinating.

I read Paulo Coelho's the Zahir, and he wrote something which exactly describes how I felt then..." My dream is now realizable, but if I try and fail, I don't know what the rest of my life will be like; that's why it's better to live cherishing a dream than face the possibility that it might all come to nothing."

I'm trying to realize my dream now. I need all the courage I could extract from my heart to continue realizing my dream.

And the mantra that i keep on reminding myself is "Just believe, and it will happen."

Personal Space

I was busy scrubbing the floor today when the thought of personal space kept on entering my mind. The wood parquet must have felt how intense I was scrubbing it,but even if it screamed from pain, I wouldn't hear it.

How much space does a man need? A question which was asked in the book "Body Language The essential Secrets of Non Verbal Communication" by Julius Fast. It was mentioned in the book that " we staked out a territory in our mind". According to the book, each of us possess zones of territory, and if someones breaks this "zones of territory", we feel threatened and uneasy. He made an example on how we divide a table when eating out. Unconsciously, we divide the table in half, one half for us and half for the other person. How we guard our zones and how we agress to other zones, it says, shows an integral part of how we relate to other people.

But, when that zone of territory is not unconsciously drawn, but infact, established from the start? Does it still need a verbal claim that it is yours? Should you draw the line, shouldn't the other person draw the line on her own? Doesn't your personal things spell out that this particular territory is yours?

I could go on scrubbing the wood until my hand bleeds, but I wouldn't have the answer, unless, I confront the situation.

So much whining. About time that I stand up and really face it. The more I think about it, the more uneasy i get, and the pressure is building inside my chest.
If I don't stand up now, I'd be the loser in the end...

What matters most?

I was very disappointed when my laundry woman delivered my laundry today. She accidentally poured a bleaching agent on my black top. Well, yeah, it happens. But this is my new favorite top and I was only able to wear it twice. Now, i couldn't wear it.

Did I get mad at her?

No.

It is just a top. I can always find another "favorite" top. My point is, these are just material things. they can be replaced. The lady was brave enough to admit her mistake. It took her a lot of courage to approach me and tell me about it. Scolding her wouldn't solve the problem, won't repair my black top. But scolding her would probably put her feelings down a little bit more. I know the lady personally. her husband is a drunkard, and she spends her time doing other people's laundry to support her family. Does this give her an excuse? No. But I think she has a lot to worry about and I didn't want to burden her emotionally.

In our every day life, things do not happen the way we always want it to be. Sometimes we are burdened by a lot of things that we feel like giving up, breaking down. And one wrong move by someone could make us snap. But what if the other person is feeling the same way too? Worse than the way we do?

Before we let off the steam, can't we try to assess if it is really worth it? Or are we just complaining because of something worth a hundred peso or less?

Which do you think is more important?

Green green grass on my lawn.

I used to think that the grass is greener at the other side of the fence. I have envied a lot of people. Thinking that they are living a better life, a perfect life. But of course, I am wrong.

When I was still working, my life evolved only around my work and my family. I was not able to nurture my relationship with my friends. I would see them in passing, catch a news or two about them, but never really catching up. Lately, I have been reconnecting with old friends. And it amazes me that the perfect life I imagined them to be having is also the same impression that they have on me. Funny.

Indeed, there is no such thing as a perfect life.

We only believe that the grass is greener at the other side of the fence until we learn to appreciate how healthy our lawn looks.

Blog Your Blessings Sunday:My happiness

"Happiness is to joy as an electric light bulb is to the sun. Happiness always has an object, you're happy because of something, it's a condition whose existence depends on external things." from susana tamaro's novel follow your heart.

The softness of my child's skin.
Her laughter.
My husband's voice.
Buffy and her pup's.
Books.
Pencil.
Paper.
Crayons.
Coloring books.
Hot cocoa early in the morning.
Music.
Rain.
Sunlight.
Chirping of the birds.
Words.
Lines.
Cloth.
A warm embrace.
People.

If happiness is a condition that is dependent on external things, then it is a choice to be happy and to stay happy. With or without the things that makes us happy, we can always find happiness somewhere.

Just a few minutes ago I was complaining to my daughter about my stomach ache. And I was caught off guard when she said "Mom, don't mind the pain, just tell yourself you are happy. That's what I do when you won't allow me to play with my friends."

I hope everybody can find their happiness even in little things, just like my six year old kid.

Friends

Ever felt like your heart will burst with overflowing emotions? I did. Last night I couldn't contain the emotions in my heart. I was nearly crying in pain, excitement, anxiety, happiness, faith, and only through writing how I feel that I was able to pacify my heart. For some reason, I cannot log in to my account. But this did not stop me from pouring my emotions through words, pen and paper was my lifesaver.

After gathering a lot of courage, I sent a text message to my long lost friend. I was only expecting a text message, but to my surprise, he called. And he called again today.

Ours is a friendship that I believe transcends time, distance and lack of communication. We may not talk or see each other for ages, but in a certain part of my heart, he will always be present.

Our friendship bloomed despite the distance. It was unexpected. But we clicked instantly. one family gathering and my life changed. I am an only child, he has two brothers and no sister. Maybe he completed my yearning for an older brother to look up to, and I, on his wish for a sister to dote on. From the moment we talked, we became inseparable. When their short vacation ended, our friendship still continued. We managed to nurture the budding friendship through letters. We would drift in and out of each others lives, but whenever we find our way back into each other, we also find our friendship stronger than ever. We met other people, fell in love, fell out of love, until we found our one true love, still, in our hearts we remained true friends.

We have so many unspoken questions, untold tales of failure, success, defeat, triumph, stories of our life without one another. With just one "hello" everything went back to its right place, despite the unspoken words.

Welcome back pare, kuya, cousin and my best friend.

Purpose Driven Life

Blog Your Blessings Sunday

The past week was quite emotional for me. I have often detected disappointment from my father's voice whenever he speaks about my life. I resigned from my job more than a month ago. Since then, he already expressed his opinions on what career I should focus on next. My mother on the other hand would have difficulty telling her friends that I already quit my job. Both of them are often quick to add "she will pursue a masters degree" phrase after telling someone that I am at present, jobless. Being their only child, I understand they only have high expectations for me.

These observations made me doubt my purpose in life. Am I really living a life without a purpose? An empty life? Am I a failure because I no longer work? I quit, I was not fired. I decided to quit because I was not happy, I have no peace of mind and I do not find fulfillment in what I do. I may not have a work now. but I have the most challenging job, being a mother to my daughter.

People find fulfilment in different ways. For some it is their lucrative career, high paying job, big house, new car. But for me, I find fulfillment in my family. Living a simple life with my husband and my daughter, raising my kid into a good person, nurturing the relationship with my husband. I am not a career oriented person, evidently, I am a family oriented individual. Being a hands on mom is no joke. I am a teacher, a story teller, a playmate, a cook, a cleaner, a companion, a guidance counselor, a party host, etc. I could go on with the lists of the role I play being a mother. But my parents take this for granted. For them, the paycheck, the career is the end point. Because they believe that they are successful in raising me only when I have a career and a fat paycheck they can brag about.

The third day question to consider of The Purpose Driven Life book by Rick Warren is: What would my family and friends say is the driving force of my life? What do I want to be?

The driving force of my life is my daughter and my husband. I have often referred to them as my strength. What do I want to be? The best mother in my child's eye, and a loving and nurturing wife in my husband's heart.

"... all achievements are eventually surpassed, records are broken, reputations fade and tributes are forgotten (from the Purpose Driven Life)." And I add, except raising a child into a good person and nurturing the family with love, affection and attention.

Come to think of it, maybe my parents also want to be "the best parents" in my eyes, we have just misunderstood each other.

Tickle.

Tickling is the act of touching a part of the body, so as to cause involuntary twitching movements or laughter. Such sensations can be pleasurable or exciting, but are sometimes considered highly unpleasant, particularly in the case of relentless heavy tickling. - taken from wikipedia
I just had a good laugh from tickling my little girl. She is so ticklish. But she enjoys being tickled and begs for more and more that I tire faster than she does. Tickling just before going to bed or just after waking up is a bonding moment of my girl with her dad. Dad would tickle her and my little girl would beg for more and more, until she cries. They say that tickling sensation is both pain and pleasure. Well, her reaction is one proof of this.

Dad also enjoys being tickled as much as his daughter does. When the light's been turned off and we are about to go to sleep, my husband would ask to be tickled. It makes me smile thinking about how he would cover his face with a pillow to muffle his laughters. More often than not, he would beg me to stop. And when I do, he would ask to be tickled again, until he begs me to stop while crying from too much laughter.

I am the most ticklish person in our family. But I hate being tickled. It is too much pleasurable for me that I kick and bite just so I could escape it. Pleasurable for me, but painful for them.

Well, that's pain and pleasure for me.